The great assurance we had concerning Samuel was the dedication service we could have for him the night before his death. That afternoon, we thought of asking our pastor for advice concerning child baptism or dedication in our case. Instead of just calling us, Pastor Kay Kiong made himself available to us that very evening at the hospital. He came and asked why we wanted to dedicate Samuel to God. We said that ever since Samuel’s conception and difficult pregnancy, we have been surrendering Samuel into God’s hands and it made total sense now to do so, and leave God to decide the final outcome of Samuel’s life. But we were faced with a difficult situation because the doctor would only allow a religious person to enter the ICU if we decide not to pursue Samuel’s life. We decided to give it a try still. The doctor on duty was very gracious and understanding and immediately gave us consent to do so.
Then we were faced with another danger, that Samuel might not respond well to it because he has been resisting the nurses and doctor’s attempts for treatment the entire day. So Jo prepared him while I accompanied pastor Kay Kiong in. Just when we were about to begin, the parents of another premature baby came in and being Christians themselves, they asked if they could join us in our dedication service. So we surrounded Samuel’s cot, we opened the incubator, we sang ‘Jesus loves me this I know’ to him, we touched and stroked him, and we dedicated him to God. and throughout the whole time, he was peaceful and serene like any other baby fast asleep in his mother’s arms. God arranged it all so perfectly for us, from a simple dedication and baptism time we had in mind, He turned it into a dedication service, complete with a choir and witness in our Christian friends’ presence in the ICU.
Through Samuel, God taught us about perseverance in situations beyond what our human mind, strength or spirit could bear.
It was difficult to see a newborn baby having countless tubes attached to him and struggling to survive. For some of us, going through a blood test is already enough to make us faint, not to talk about how we might feel in Samuel’s condition. But our boy persevered for his life. It was painful for him. It was painful for us to see him in this condition. But he persevered. From our point of view, he did not have the physical strength to endure, he did not have the privilege of many people visiting him to give him encouragement and support. But one thing shines through, that in his small frame and little strength, he has the spirit of a fighter that enabled him to persevere till the 5th day.
Though he might have lost the battle for his life, yet his victory is in persevering all the way till the end. To this end, we were greatly pleased, honored and privileged to be called his parents.
One month after Samuel passed away, I was to take my 2nd driving test. As I went through my revisions, every instructor told me I drive well and should not have problem passing. It was also to be 2 days before my birthday. And so I was looking to God for a consolation after all that has happened. But the minute I stepped into the car, it rained like cats and dogs, a totally different condition from the past few days of revisions that I’ve had. So I failed the test. I accepted that I made some unnecessary mistakes. But I also found myself unable to shrug off the idea that God did not want me to pass the test, that He was uncompassionate to me, and that He was not interested in how I feel anymore.
On my birthday, we were to join my sister’s family to go to Don Moen’s worship concert at the Indoor Stadium. Still bearing a strong attitude of indifference towards God, I held no expectation about what good it would do for me. But midway through the time, as the music slowed down and familiar worship songs like “God will make a way” were sung, I began to sense God drawing me in. At one point, Don Moen started to speak to those who felt hopeless about themselves or their lives. I felt he was talking to me. Then he picked up his Bible. It was the only time he did that throughout the night. And he mentioned that he has a verse for those who felt hopeless. “Habakkuk 3:17-18” he said. Immediately when I heard him say the verse reference, tears welled up in my eyes and flowed down. Habakkuk 3:17-18 have great significance and meaning to us because at the morning of Samuel’s cremation service, my sister was praying for us and as she was reading the Bible, she felt God wanting to encourage us through Hab 3:17-18.
It read “Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold, and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.” It was a very special moment for me. The thought that God, out of so many verses of encouragement in the Bible, caused Don Moen to pick Hab 3:17-18, and, out of over 10 thousand people in the indoor stadium, chose to minister to me, to speak directly to my hurts and disappointment, made me realize how much He still cared for me and loved me. It spoke loudly to me about the attribute that God is Personal. It didn’t take away the pain and the disappointment, but it was sufficient to tell me that He knows how I feel and that He hurts too.
Bruce Wilkinson said, “The success of a leader is measured by his capacity to bear pain. You have to face the music before you can lead the band.” This ability to bear pain is not from ourselves, but one that is Spirit-empowered. From April till August, the physical and emotional pains of each amnio-infusion, the delivery, seeing Samuel suffered, and ultimately loosing him, were not us to be able to bear. Even now, we were amazed at ourselves at what we have gone through and we can only conclude it is the grace of God that sustained us.
Brothers and sisters, in life, we constantly encounter situations that we don’t understand. We go through struggles and pain that few could identify with, and often our trust in God is put to the test. Maybe some of us are at that faith junction now and God seemed far from you. You feel like giving up right now. It seemed pointless to carry on. Our only encouragement to you is that you consider little Samuel, in the way he fought and persevered till the finishing line.
And also Hebrews 12:2-3 “Fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you may not grow weary and lose heart.”
Consider also God’s word in Isaiah 43:1-2
“But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched. Nor will the flame burn you.’”
He is ever present to you. He has never abandon anyone and he is not about to leave you alone. He feels what you feel and He hurts that you hurt. In fact, He hurts even more than you. Look to God through Jesus Christ again and let His strong arms carry you. Feel His tender heart speak to your troubled spirit and rest in His embrace.
